How are you? Three words that matter more than we think
- Apr 28
- 4 min read
Three words. Nine letters. And until fairly recently, a question nobody actually expected an answer to.
Think about how many times a day you say it. In the corridor, at the start of a call, as someone passes your desk. How are you? Fine, thanks. Fine, thanks. Fine, thanks. A ritual exchange, a social reflex – not really a question at all.
And then something changed. For many of us, it changed during the pandemic, when suddenly the question meant something different. Managers who were themselves anxious, isolated, worried about their families and their futures, started asking their people how they were doing – and genuinely wanting to know the answer. The question became real.
Mental health and wellbeing moved up the agenda in a way that felt overdue. It became more acceptable to struggle, to say so and to be met with something other than a polite deflection. Leaders got – in the words of one person we worked with – better at "putting the humanity back into business."
That change mattered. And here's what we've noticed since: it's started to slip. As the initial urgency of the crisis faded so did some of the care and attentiveness that came with it. The check-ins became less frequent. The question became a reflex again.
We don't think that's inevitable. We think it's worth fighting.
Why it's harder to keep asking
There's an honest reason why sustaining this kind of attentiveness is difficult. Asking how someone really is – and meaning it – takes something from you. It requires emotional availability. And when your own resilience is stretched, when you're carrying your own pressures and uncertainties, finding that availability can feel like one ask too many.
We understand that. But we'd encourage leaders to hold onto the memory of what those genuine check-ins produced at their best: the sense of connection, the reduction in anxiety, the trust that built when people felt genuinely seen. That wasn't incidental to good leadership during a difficult period. It was the leadership.
The goal isn't to manufacture a performance of care. It's to build it into the rhythm of how you lead – so that it doesn't depend on a crisis to activate it.
Three ways to make it real
The question itself is simple. What makes it land – or not – is whether the tone, the pace and the follow-through signal that you actually want the honest answer.
Here are three approaches we've found to be genuinely effective:
A peer buddy system
It doesn't always have to be the manager doing the asking. People are sometimes more open with a colleague at the same level – someone who isn't assessing their performance, who is navigating the same pressures. Consider introducing a buddy system where people choose their own buddy (rather than being assigned one) and together decide what the arrangement looks like in practice: once a week, once a day, five minutes each way, a regular virtual coffee that replaces the water cooler conversation. That choice and that contract between them is part of what makes it work.
Empathetic check-ins in team meetings
Once a week, build in a round where one question is asked of the group: what two feelings are you experiencing right now? Each person has two minutes of uninterrupted time to answer. The next person reflects back what they've heard before sharing their own. It sounds simple, and it is – but it consistently does something important. It normalises the discussion of feelings in a work context. It builds the habit of listening without immediately problem-solving. And over time, it creates a team that knows how to support itself.
One practical note: let people know in advance that you'll be doing this. For those who aren't used to talking about how they feel at work, a little warning is both kind and effective.
One genuine question, every day
Ask someone how they are – really. Let your tone and your pace signal that this is a genuine enquiry, not a greeting. Then hold the silence and listen. Don't rush to fill it. Don't move straight to solutions. And if it seems right, ask one follow-up: what would need to happen for you to feel better?
One question. One person. Every day. It's a small practice, and the cumulative effect of it is not small at all.
The pandemic reminded us that people don't only struggle in crises. They struggle for all kinds of reasons, all the time and they'll continue to do so. The organisations that hold onto that understanding and build it into how they lead rather than waiting for the next emergency to activate it, are the ones that will have the trust, the resilience and the human connection to navigate whatever comes next.
If you'd like to read the original piece in full, you can download it here.
💭 When did you last ask someone how they were — and genuinely wait for the answer?
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